So often we talk about forgiving others. But what about forgiving ourselves? Personally, I have never had much trouble forgiving others. Despite whatever harm they might have caused me – and I have been hurt deeply by some people but I have always forgiving them. Not for their sake but for my own. It doesn’t serve me in any way to hold on to bitter, angry and resentful feelings towards others.
I think I am the only person I haven’t been able to forgive until now. I have had so much hate, bitterness, resentment, anger and negative feelings about myself that it destroyed my relationship with myself and now I am starting to heal that relationship.
The thing is I have never been very nice to myself. I have suffered from an eating disorder for ten years, depression on and off for just as many years, cutting, anxiety and perfectionism. For the past ten years I have been so hard on myself. I hated myself for binge eating when I had finally been able to starve myself for a week, I hated myself for not being thin enough, for not getting good enough grades, for getting anxiety attacks when I was in big crowds, for not being able to get up in the morning during the winter months….. I can fill an entire blog post just with things I hated about myself. And I never forgave myself. After a binge instead of telling myself it was okay and completely normal when you starve yourself, I would punish myself and go the gym for four hours and I would restrict my eating even more the following week. If I didn’t feel good enough, I would punish myself by cutting in my arms, starve myself or whatever thing I could think of. I have been constantly punishing and hating myself for almost half my life. I never felt good enough, and instead of forgiving myself for not being perfect I punished myself and got angry with myself. I was in a very dangerous and toxic relationship with myself.
These last few weeks I have begun to meditate at least twice a day with the meditation videos from OmStars, and I can already feel how it is changing me. I especially love this video with Kerri about forgiveness. When Kerri started speaking about forgiveness, I dawned on me how much unforgiveness I have been holding on towards myself. I actually started crying when I realized how much bitterness, hate and resentment I held in my heart towards myself. How did I get to a point where I disliked myself so much? In that moment I decided to forgive myself. Just like that. Sometimes enough is enough, and I had reached that point.
I am trying to listen to Kerri’s meditation about forgiveness once a day so I keep working on forgiving myself every single day, and I can tell you I am already feeling so much better about myself. I haven’t fully forgiven myself but I am getting there and I am working on it every single day and I will keep working on it every single day until I forgive myself 100 percent. And even then I will keep reminding myself every day to forgive myself. I intend to live the rest of my life with as much happiness, joy, light and love as humanly possible and for that to happen I need to forgive myself.
What are your thoughts about forgiving yourself? Are you finding it easy or hard to forgive yourself? Have you also held on to bitter and resentful feelings towards yourself? I would love to hear your thoughts about forgiveness.
Love & Happiness,